Center for Child Development "Smiles"

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The Role of Needs in Love

We live in eventful times. One is forced to adapt to new social changes, values and innovative technologies in a very short time span. This creates highly concentrated stress and leads to a large number of unsatisfied needs. This environment is a prerequisite for people to seek out and use their intimate partner as a means of solving their personal problems.

The expectation that a partner is the vehicle that will deliver us from our broken inner world creates the likelihood that we will be demanding, controlling and biased. We do not see our partner as they are, but through the distorted prism of our needs, pain, trauma, fears and desires. It turns out that most people live in a simulation of their own. A matrix built in the past, manifesting in the present and determining the direction of our choices in the future.

The problem with wanting to change others

What is falling in love? It is an idealized image of our partner, which is not real and over time collides with reality. When the moment of sobriety comes and we begin to see the real qualities of the person in front of us, we are faced with a choice – to accept the facts as they are or to look for another object that we expect to better fit our pre-created template of needs. If we choose to stay with this partner, what we notice is that there are characteristics that we like about him and others that we don’t like and even annoy us.

The interesting point here is that most people, when something bothers them about their partner, choose to change them instead of looking within themselves and seeing where the root of the problem really is. This is because it is much easier to control others and the external environment than to change and transform yourself.

Another reason is that most people do not think critically about themselves. They prefer to blame other people, refusing to admit guilt, even partial, as a result of their actions. It is a transfer of responsibility that stunts the growth of the individual and turns him into a consumer, demanding that others follow his rules and conform to his point of view as the ultimate truth. Hence the need to change others in order to shift blame and responsibility outside of ourselves in order to feel good in our own skin and be in tune with our traumas and defense mechanisms.

Needs are a determining factor in our choices

There is no way to change something in ourselves if we do not see the need for it. Most people try to fit their partner to their inner needs when they don’t resonate with them. A more correct approach would be to try to analyze and get to know our needs by asking ourselves a series of questions: Where do they come from? When were they created? Are these our needs or are they socially implanted from the outside? How often do I have these needs? What happens if I meet or don’t meet these needs? How do they affect my emotions, thoughts and feelings? Which needs are more important to me than others and why?

Our needs are the “creator” of our thoughts, feelings and actions. The traumas of the past that define our inner worldview matrix are formed by unsatisfied or interrupted needs. In fact, internal pain, emotional discomfort, the “lump” in the throat and stomach are the result of unsatisfied needs and the result is felt even on a physical level (known as psychosomatics). Therefore, it is good to know our needs, as well as their history and intensity.

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Needs appear as an impulse, an internal vibration, “telling us what we want and what we must do.” In the context of love, for example, when a man strongly desires a woman, he has an internal impulse to kiss her on their first date. The problem is that even if he gets the hang of it and doesn’t, the momentum has already started. The need is created, the mind identifies the desire, and the ego wants it to be fulfilled immediately, but social norms and reason prevent it from acting. The result of this process is an unfulfilled need, discomfort, inner tension and an even greater desire and impatience to kiss the woman.

The desire can be so strong that it approaches the feeling of pain. That’s how passion happens. It is so ardent because of a pent-up need and then so quickly extinguished after it is satisfied. All this discomfort, pain and frustration can be cut in the beginning, at the root, by having Awareness and Awareness of our needs. It can be said that this is the basis for self-knowledge. You’ve probably heard the cliche “if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love others”? And what do you think it means to love yourself? When you give in to temptations (needs) are you showing this love for yourself or is it more of a weakness?

Getting to know the partner and analysis of our reality

It is very common to hear people complaining after the end of an intimate relationship: “I didn’t expect this from him/her. she wasn’t like that!” This is a mistake due to our lack of prior analysis and understanding. People construct some illusory image of what their partner should be and instinctively, without any analysis, commit to the one who vaguely fits their model without considering his/her distinctive qualities and behavioral patterns. Thus, they automatically assume that their new partner will act as their role model and are surprised when their partner reacts otherwise.

When getting to know our future partner, we should have the clarity to ask ourselves the right questions about him. Here are some examples: What is his/her background? Does he talk openly about his past or avoid the subject? What are his specific psycho-emotional needs? Do we have the capabilities to help meet those needs or not? What does our partner value and strive for? Can we, given our own needs, be part of its long-term future? The more questions we ask ourselves, the more the fear of the unknown will melt away and we will get to know our partner better, leading to a more stable relationship. Another important point is to know ourselves. The questions we ask ourselves about the partner can be addressed to us and we can make a comparison. This will give us clarity on whether we can even move in the same direction with this partner.

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The relationship between love and needs

In general, the foundation of most relationships is mutual satisfaction of needs in a way that both parties are satisfied with the results. It is no accident that in people with an active mind, “love” can be defined as a two-sided selfishness. When the egos of one and the other partner work in sync and satisfy their needs, “love goes according to plan”. But if one stops meeting the needs of the other, our mind indicates that there is pain and discomfort and often begins to look away and look for another object that can satisfy our needs.

The systemic dissatisfaction of needs has a highly destructive element on the personality, because the connection Ego – needs is quite strongly expressed. For this reason, a need that was previously met but no longer is can lead to taking things personally and focusing us on wanting to try to impose control and demand too much from the partner, leading to criticism , manipulation and conflicts.

We don’t have to be extreme or impulsive when a partner has stopped satisfying a need. Instead, we can be interested in what happens to him. Friendly casual conversation, warmth and understanding is a much more appropriate approach. For this to be possible, the sufferer (the one with unsatisfied needs) must be able to control their discomfort. Which requires skills of emotional control, analysis and self-understanding.

Goal setting as a basis for harmonious relationships

A person’s goals determine his trajectory over time, his aspirations and potential choices. When we have no real Purpose in life, the only thing left for us to feel meaningful is to want, to consume, and then to want again. It is this self-centeredness that distorts everything in our lives.

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Even the love that should bind people together often only creates addictions because it is applied by people who do not know themselves and ignore everyone around them. A person unconsciously serves his primary desires, tries to control others, the idea of which is some kind of self-evidence, which often borders on complexism. When love between people starts putting conditions, it becomes toxic and narcissistic. True love is what motivates, unites and connects people. This love is unconditional. She gives to everyone without wanting anything for herself and always gets what she needs. With passion and falling in love, there is a fear that you will lose it. A heart stiffened by fear and pain does not allow the soul to soar and become the Sun for others. With unconditional Love, there is completeness and you know that it always will be and no one can ever take it away from you.

Author: Lubomir Nedev

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